Thursday, April 12, 2018

Chicago, IL – Today, the Pritzker campaign released the results from Rauner’s leaked ‘Illinois Priorities Survey’ draft. Here’s what Illinoisans think about their failed governor:

To: Interested Parties
From: Pritzker campaign
Re: Leaked ‘Illinois Priorities Survey’
Date: April 12, 2018

A new survey conducted in Illinois details the extent of Bruce Rauner’s failure as governor. After polling underwater for quite some time, the incumbent faced a heated primary campaign that almost cost him his party’s nomination. Called the ‘Worst Republican Governor in America,’ Rauner barely squeaked by with less than a 4-point margin against insurgent challenger Jeanne Ives. Now failing to consolidate the Republican vote, let alone the support of independents or Democrats, an uphill battle faces the nation’s most vulnerable incumbent governor, and the results of this survey show why.

Key findings

Illinoisans strongly rebuked Bruce Rauner’s ‘Junk-tastic’ fiscal management. 90% of respondents said his budget crisis took too long, and 80% said he’s not responsible for the school funding formula he vetoed twice. Write-in responses brought key criticisms to life, describing Rauner as ‘wandering aimlessly’ with ‘non-existent’ fiscal management and his relationship with his primary opponent as ‘ships passing in the night.’ 100% of respondents think Rauner will ‘book flights to Italy’ on November 6, 2018.

Questions

• Q1: As governor of the state, Bruce Rauner is: ‘Not in charge’ led with 78% of the vote. Respondents also submitted the following as write-in options: ‘wandering aimlessly,’ ‘incompetent,’ ‘a total failure,’ ‘sometimes in charge, sometimes not,’ and finally ‘Schroedinger’s Governor – both in charge and not at the same time.’

• Q2: 736 day budget crisis: ‘Too long’ said 90% of respondents. 10% ironically responded ‘not long enough.’

• Q3: The bill backlog tripled and state credit rating is at near-junk status. How’s the governor’s fiscal management? ‘Junk-tastic’ according to 86% of survey takers. Write-in responses include: ‘absolutely AWFUL,’ ‘non-existent,’ ‘unforgivable,’ and ‘BAD.’

• Q4: Who is responsible for historic education funding reform? Almost 80% of respondents believe it’s not ‘the guy who vetoed funding reform bills twice but still ran campaign commercials on it.’

• Q5: How would you describe Bruce Rauner’s handling of the Quincy Legionnaires’ crisis: No majority pulled through, but the following led by 19 points: “Nothing has taken long…there was nothing that’s somehow taken too long, or we didn’t do or we waited on. Nothing whatsoever.” Fittingly in last place, “We’re really on top of the situation.”

• Q6: Do you support Donald Trump the president? Respondents were similarly dismayed at signaling approval for the commander in chief, with only 12% responding ‘yes.’

• Q7: How would you characterize the relationship between Bruce Rauner and Jeanne Ives? Just under 50% of respondents described the pair as ‘best friends forever,’ but a colorful group of write-ins almost edged out the winner. Some include: ‘haters,’ ‘grudge match,’ ‘POOR,’ ‘ships that pass in the night,’ ‘strangers on a train,’ ‘oil and water,’ and ‘bad blood.’

• Q8: Who is your favorite Republican presidential also-ran propping up our campaign? Jeb! ran away as the also-ran favorite, but many respondents want to draft Ben Carson and John Kasich’s support for Rauner’s flailing campaign.

• Q9: What is your favorite Bruce Rauner costume? ‘Governor’ pulled ahead as the top pick with ‘Harley-riding man of the people’ coming in a close second. ‘Carhartt Jacket clad average joe’ trailed at a distant third.

• Q10: On November 6, 2018 Bruce Rauner will: ‘Book flights to Italy’ was the unanimous response.

Methodology

The Pritzker campaign surveyed an anonymous sample of 117 online users on April 11, 2018. The margin of error is +/− 100%. This parody poll was conducted online via Google Forms.

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